what i'm afraid to tell you

As I sit down to write this post, I think of how many times I have come back from a blog break feeling awkward about the amount of time that has passed. This time is really not much different. Except that perhaps the break was a bit different.

I love this blog, I love documenting things in my life and I like being a part of a community that encourages one another and learns from one another. At the same time, I can be overwhelmed at all that is out there. So many great blogs and bloggers. So much great inspiration and encouragement to be found. However, with all of that inspiration and encouragement, also comes feelings of discontentment and inadequacy. I find that at times it is easier for me to unplug in order to focus on the joys in my life.

I have found that even when I am unplugging and not engaging on the blog, I am still “writing” posts in my head. And over the last few months I have really started to figure out what my desire is for this blog. I knew that I didn’t want to give it up all together, but I also knew that I wanted it to be different.

Then came this post by Hannah (part of a collective of bloggers talking about “Things I’m Afraid to Tell You”). I have read Hannah’s blog for a while and always find it encouraging and I love our interactions on Instagram (as a side note...while I may have been absent here, I am quite active on Instagram...it seems it is a great way to blog without actually blogging). I was struggling with a post I wanted to write, but was unsure if I really wanted to share it. Hannah’s post provided just the push I needed (even if it took me more than a month to sit down and write this.)

So, what am I afraid to tell you? About two and a half years ago, after much prayer, Michael and I moved to Hickory, NC for a position that was available to him at a church there. The economy was already in crisis mode, so rather than try and sell our house, we decided to rent it. God blessed us with great renters who actually moved in the same day that we moved out. A year later they bought their own home and we went a few months without renters. During that time we had two break-ins at the house, one of which involved the burglar breaking the chandelier in the dining room with his head and bleeding all over the place. It was a stressful time of just wondering when the next crisis would occur with no one occupying the house. Again, miraculously, God brought renters. However they were unable to pay us an amount even close to the mortgage. At that point, it was so much of a relief just to have someone in the house and at least part of the mortgage being covered, rather than none. However, after just a couple of months, we knew that we wouldn’t be able to sustain paying rent in Hickory and the mortgage payment on the house in Atlanta.

So, we did what the mortgage companies tell you to do, and we tried to modify the loan, but they declined our requests after reappraising our house at a sickening low price. Our house was in a transitional area fraught with crime and mortgage fraud. We were then made aware of the option of a short sale and we were excited when we found an acquaintance who wanted to buy our house. So, last November we started the short sale process.

Here is where I will make the story short. We went through five months of paperwork, faxing, paperwork, banks being sold (unfortunately a home equity line was involved), more paperwork, faxing, a move back to Georgia (but not to the same area, so not back to the house), more paperwork and even more paperwork. You wouldn’t believe the amount of paperwork. Toward the end of the process, it felt like we were faxing the same documents every couple of days. The whole process was exhausting. I am not a very patient person and the waiting was like torture. But, I had such hope in it all working out in the end, that I just dealt with the frustrations.

At the end of April, with deadlines looming, I still felt confident it was all going to work out. The amount of the offer was fair for both the mortgage company and the home equity line bank. In April, we got a letter stating that the house would go to foreclosure on May 1. A week prior to that, we found out that all the items we had faxed to the home equity line bank had not even been assigned to a negotiator and that it was unlikely that it would get assigned and reviewed prior to the foreclosure date. We were shocked, we had been led to believe that someone was reviewing it.

I would love to say that at this point a miracle occurred and everything fell into place just in time. But, I can’t. The truth is our house was foreclosed on May 1.  And that is what I was afraid to tell you. The word foreclosure has such stigmas associated with it. I was afraid I would be pegged as one of those “irresponsible” ones. I do realize that foreclosures are much more common these days, but it still stings and it is still embarrassing. Did we buy a house that we couldn’t afford? No. Were we careless with our money? No. We've just found ourselves in a place with many other people like us, feeling the all too common effect of a troubled economy.

So where are we financially? Not the greatest place. A foreclosure isn’t exactly a blue ribbon on your credit report. I really had my hopes set on a short sale that would look a bit better on our credit report and settle our home equity line debt.  Also, even though this post isn’t about this, our income is at an all time low. But I realize that God's plan is much bigger than the one I had dreamed up. I have no idea what His plan is, but I do know that it is for my best. I know that great things will come out of our situation. Our lives are pretty amazing. Our marriage is strong and our kids are happy. I feel closer to my Savior than I ever have before. I have grown in many ways in the last six months. I have always been one to worry about money and I can honestly say that I am completely resting in Him. Don't get me wrong, I have moments of worry and sadness (read crying). I think that is natural. But, what is important is that I don’t dwell there. I have chosen to dwell in joy. Not just happiness that can ebb and flow, but in true joy that can only come from God. Ya’ll, He is SO good!

Last week our pastor posed the question (in my words but really close to his), "If God doesn't give you what you desperately want and what you think you need, is HE enough? If He isn't, then when that thing does come, it won't be enough."  That truth blew me away. Earlier that same day, Michael had said that one of the most important lessons in our situation is that we have to believe that GOD is enough, no matter what else we have (or don't have). We have to live a life in which God is enough. And we strive to live that truth.

At the beginning of this post I mentioned that I knew that I wanted something different to come out of this blog. I want to be real. And this is about as real as it gets. I want this to be a place to find inspiration, yes, but also for it to be a place to find encouragement and truth even in the messes. I hope that wherever you may be right now that you can find the hope and peace that only God can provide.

I am not saying this because I am in need,for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty.I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation,whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.

Philippians 4: 11-12